Hello, and welcome to the Tubesteak Challenge!  For this week’s Challenge, I’ve collected pictures of six things that rhyme with “Fairy-tale.”  See how many of them you can identify.  The first person to email the correct answers to me (jt@johnnytubesteak.com) WINS a brief period of my conditional friendship.

To see previous Tubesteak Challenges, click here and scroll down past this week’s Challenge.

Good luck!

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The correct answers will be posted in the comments section in a day or two.

While the women get all the glory on the red carpet at the Academy Awards, the Celebrity Gossip Team at JohnnyTubesteak.com knows that sometimes the men look just as good, if not better, on Oscar night.  But which of the men were the hottest on Sunday night?  Here are our picks:

Smoking

Thankfully, the state of California temporarily lifted their ban on smoking in a public places just long enough for a smoking Gerard Butler to walk through.

Smoldering

If you look closely enough, you can easily see the red-hot embers on this smoldering celeb.  Smokey Bear would not be happy that Jake Gyllenhal is looking this hot while standing next to so many flammable objects.

Flaming

With a skinny pant and a skinny tie, Zac Efron was certainly flaming on Oscar night.  I’m afraid that even an entire team of firemen would not be enough to handle this guy.

Full-fledged Inferno

Not a lot of men could pull off these accessories, but anytime George Clooney hits the red carpet, you know that there is going to be a full-fledged inferno.  His girlfriend must have soaked her skin in abestos or some other flame retardant to stand so close and not burst into flames herself.

For all the latest celebrity gossip, be sure to check JohnnyTubesteak.com about once every four or five minutes.

Most people prefer a hairy coworker to a coworker that waxes various body parts at work.

And if you like your job, you’re better off embracing that hairy butt crack.

Lesson learned.

I could be wrong, but I’d bet that if you surveyed couples with a history of intimacy, they would tell you that the word “weenie” doesn’t come up very often in dirty talk.

My wife scolded me the other day for leaving my toenail clippings on the coffee table.  According to her, the coffee table “has to be about the worst place to leave your disgusting toenail clippings.”

While I agree that the coffee table is a bad place to leave toenail clippings, I don’t think that it’s the worst place to leave them.  To prove my point, I will now list five places that are worse for leaving toenail clippings than the coffee table.

1. The Dining Room Table.  Imagine Thanksgiving Day, and Grandma asks you to pass the salt.  You quickly scan the table looking for it, when you spot it — right between the yams and the toenail clippings.  I’d say that’s worse than the coffee table.
2. The Ice Cube Tray.  Imagine it’s Friday night, and you are fixing yourself a drink.  You drop an ice cube from the ice cube tray into your drink, and immediately notice that there are toenail clippings in the ice cube.  I think you’d be peeved, moreso than if you had found toenail clippings on the coffee table.
3. In a Pot of Leftover Soup.  When you unwittingly bite into a spoonful of toenail clippings, I doubt you will say, “Well, at least these toenail clippings weren’t left on the coffee table.”
4. In a Bag of Rice.  Toenail clippings look a lot like rice.  Imagine the frustration you’ll feel having to sort through a bag of rice to pull out the toenail clippings every time you want to cook a batch of szechuan tofu.  I anticipate that it would be more frustrating than finding toenail clippings on the coffee table.
5. In Someone’s Jar of Fingernail Clippings.  Picture this:  you’re feeling nostalgic, and you want to relive old memories by going through the jar of fingernail clippings you’ve been saving for the last 30 years.  When you open the jar, however, you realize that it has been tainted by someone else’s toenail clippings.  You know that the toenail clippings are in there, but they don’t look different enough from the fingernail clippings to really pick them out.  Suddenly, your jar of fingernail clippings seems a bit gross.  I believe you would say to yourself, “This is much, much worse than finding toenail clippings on my coffee table.”

There may be even more places out there that would be worse for leaving toenail clippings than a coffee table; I’m not sure.  What I am sure of, though, and what I am fairly confident I have proven today, is that the coffee table is not the worst place for a person to leave his/her toenail clippings.

You’ll notice that I put three exclamation points at the end of “Tubesteak Challenge” in the title.  That’s because this challenge is three times as awesome as the previous Tubesteak Challenges.  By my estimation, it should also be more difficult.  (Click here to see previous Tubesteak Challenges.  You’ll have to scroll down past the current Challenge.)

Jonah Hill is writing a movie version of 21 Jump Street, and the second most popular Johnny in the world (Depp) has said that he would like to be a part of it.  That may or may not be newsworthy, but it’s good enough inspiration for a Tubesteak Challenge.  Below, please find pictures of five things that rhyme with “Jump Street.”  Can you identify all of them?  The first person that does WINS a certificate redeemable for a high-five (leave your answers in the Comments section).

Good luck!

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The correct answers will be posted in the Comments section in the next day or two.

I was having trouble coming up with a blog post when this ocurred to me:  Writer’s block is like constipation of the brain.  Sometimes it’s impossible to squeeze something out, no matter how hard you push.

Fear not, World; I’ll down a spoonful of Mental Metamucil so that I can continue pooping inspiration on you.

Tomorrow, I present another Tubesteak Challenge.

According to a report from his doctor, President Obama is in good health, with a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 23.7.  Unfortunately, BMI is a severly flawed statistic, at least when being used independently to determine the health of an individual.  Based on BMI ranges set by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Tom Cruise, Tom Brady, Brad Pitt, and Yao Ming are all overweight, while Mike Tyson, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and Sylvester Stallone are all obese.

Thus, BMI, as it is currently defined, is useless.  So what do we do?

I propose that we change the meaning of BMI from “Body Mass Index” to “Bowel Movement Index.”  Instead of using BMI to gauge how fat we are, we can use BMI as an indicator of how badly we have to poop.

Here is how it will work:  Your BMI (Bowel Movement Index) will be an estimation of how long you can hold your dump before messing your drawers.  The number before the decimal is hours, and the number after the decimal is minutes.  Thus, if you have a BMI of 0.7 while you’re driving on the highway, you’d better start looking for a rest area.  Conversely, if you have a BMI of 34.5, you can plan on relieving yourself somewhere in South Dakota.

There’s no reason for all of us to continue perpetuating a worthless stat — let’s make it something real.

I’m Johnny Tubesteak, and I have a BMI of 8.6.  (Every morning, like clockwork.)

I’d estimate this guy’s BMI at about 0.2.

Step 1:  Find a bag of chips that your wife has been hiding on you because you can’t be trusted with them.

Step 2:  Take the bag of chips with you as you sit down on the couch and turn on the television.

Step 3:  Mentally plan to eat a ridiculously small number of chips, like 3 or maybe 4.

Step 4:  Put your hand inside the bag of chips and let muscle memory take over.

Step 5:  About 15 minutes later, notice with incredulity that the bag of chips is half gone.

Step 6:  Be genuinely disgusted with yourself, calling yourself names like “disgusting tub of lard” and “fat pile of crap.”

Step 7:  Close the bag of chips and set it on the coffee table.

Step 8:  After approximately 5 minutes, begin reasoning with yourself by choosing one or more of the following excuses: A) I really didn’t eat that much today.  B) I’ve been pretty good about eating healthy lately.  C) Life is really stressful right now.  D) I coughed a few times today — and they always say that you should feed a cold.

Step 9:  Reopen the bag of chips and insert your hand.

Step 10:  About 15 minutes later, notice that all that is left in the bag are crumbs and broken pieces of chip.

Step 11:  Lie to yourself and pretend that you are incredulous, even though you knew that this would happen as soon as you opened the bag of chips the second time.

Step 12:  Restart the reasoning process with both of the following excuses:  A) There is no point in putting a bag with only crumbs and broken pieces back into the cupboard.  B) Once this bag is finished, I won’t have anything left to tempt me — all gluttonous desires should be forever eliminated.

Step 13:  Pull every last crumb you can grab out of the bag and quickly shove them into your mouth.

Step 14:  Pour the remaining, ungrabbable contents of the bag into your mouth and lick all chip residue off your fingers.

Step 15:  Within the next 5 minutes, pass out as your digestive system steals all bodily energy in an attempt to begin processing the overwhelming task you unexpectedly assigned to it.

Step 16:  Find yourself awakened in shame by your wife the next morning, with an empty bag by your side and small bits of chip strewn across the couch, attached to your clothes, and nestled within your facial hair.

Step 17:  Tell yourself that you will never do this again, even though you know a statement like that lost all meaning years ago.

Step 18:  The next time you are at the grocery store, purchase a bag of chips to prove to yourself that you can, in fact, eat only a few chips without devouring the entire bag.

Step 19:  When you arrive home from the grocery store, notice that your wife has hidden the new bag of chips because you cannot be trusted with them.

Step 20:  Repeat entire sequence.

Hong Kong Call Girl: “You’re Not Trying Hard Enough”

GM announced today that the sale of its Hummer brand to Chinese company Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machines Co., Ltd. fell through.

This leaves GM in a tough spot, but it also created a dilemma for me:  I had two great double-entendre Hummer headlines, but I was unsure which one I should use as a headline in my blog post.

Ultimately, I went with the one you see above, but it narrowly beat out this one:

Sorry, World: No More Hummers

Married Men Everywhere: “What’s New?”

What do you think?  Did I make the right choice?  Are there any other headlines I should have considered?