I’m going to begin using Bag Balm just because I like the name.
They don’t make these products yet, but when they do, I will also begin using:
1. Sack Soother
2. Pouch Paste
3. Satchel Salve
4. Duffel Dressing
5. Coin-purse Cream
As I mentioned in the January 24 post, Johnny Tubesteak is very popular with the Russians. To help illustrate why, I’ve taken a previous post and translated it into Russian and then back into English, using the Microsoft Translator tool. This should give us a better idea of what the Russians are seeing.
Here is the translated/retranslated version of the January 21 post, “How to Piss off Your Wife:”
If the bathroom together with your wife, wiimedia sure-fire method piss off it:
When it is in the middle of the shower, go into the bathroom to defecate. Best if it does not notice that you are in there until such time as it smells. Be careful: chicks hate this. They feel as showering in your mud, and this is indeed happening.
Bonus-if you don’t think you’ve pissed leave enough, try the following: after it was unexpectedly hit the person on your foulness, it likely come impulsive from shower find you on the toilet. Act oblivious-don apologizes and do not offer to share with any sandwich you food. If it is not hungry, this will actually install it.
I wish I would have written “showering in your mud” in the original post. No wonder the Russians think I’m hilarious.
In honor of the Saints‘ first appearance in the Super Bowl, I’d like to dedicate this Tubesteak Challenge to their quarterback. Below are pictures of things that rhyme with “Drew Brees.” See how many of them you can identify. I’ll post the answers in the comments section in a day or two.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Best of luck!!!
I guess it doesn’t matter how much you like your neighbor’s ottoman; if you stand outside of their living room window staring at it for even 53 minutes, there’s a good chance they’ll call the cops.
And don’t even think of admiring their bathroom sink. Apparently that’s considered “lewd.”
Lesson learned.
I feel sorry for all of you regular dudes who only have regular looking chicks Googling you. According to the ads I see on Facebook, every girl that is potentially Googling me is extremely hot.
Yes, these are the caliber of chicks that Google Johnny Tubesteak.
This girl probably spent hours Googling me, and then got so tired that she had to sit down to rest.
Many girls prefer to call three friends and get dressed in slutty outfits before Googling me.
And apparently I may have gone to school with this girl. I think, however, I would remember a classmate walking around with a back brace to support her spine against the weight of her jugs.
A friend of mine shared these with me. While no one at my church seems to dress like this, I have to assume that this is a legitimate site that puts religious integrity ahead of monetary gain.
If you’re a 32 year old male from Michigan that looks like this, you qualify to be a member of Nelson.
It’s Michigan in January. This attractive local single must be quite cold right now.
I’m not even looking for a girlfriend, but hot naked chicks can’t stop approaching me through Facebook ads.
I don’t want anyone to be envious of me. I’m sure that the mediocre-looking women in everyone else’s Facebook ads are blessed with wonderful personalities. I just thought that all of you regular dudes would appreciate getting a glimpse of what it’s like to be Johnny Tubesteak.
For those not familiar with how the interweb works: Every so often, web crawlers are sent out to take an inventory of what is currently on the web. These are generally used by search engines to ensure that the results they’re returning when someone searches are fairly up to date.
I can tell when johnnytubesteak.com has been crawled, as I suddenly get tons of comments in other languages. Wordpress offers plugins that will stop the blog from getting spammed with sales messages from other countries, but with the blog still in its infancy, I treasure every reader/commentor I get–even the spammers.
Thus, I will neither translate nor delete the 13 Russian comments that were made in reaction to my “Cow Poop Powers Small Town” post. I could be cynical and assume they’re all spam, but I prefer to think that Russia thinks Johnny Tubesteak is the funniest thing since Yakov Smirnoff.
If you share a bathroom with your wife, here’s a sure-fire way to piss her off:
When she’s in the middle of a shower, step into the bathroom to defecate. It’s best if she doesn’t notice that you’re in there until she smells it. Be warned: chicks hate this. They feel like they’re showering in your filth, and that’s essentially what’s happening.
BONUS - If you don’t think you’ve pissed her off enough yet, try this: After she has been unexpectedly slapped in the face by your foulness, she’ll likely come rushing out of the shower to find you on the toilet. Act oblivious–don’t apologize, and don’t offer to share with her any of the sandwich that you’re eating. If she’s hungry, this will really set her off.
I was at the grocery store tonight, and the checkout girl, who was no more than 25, called me “Dear.” I generally like to reserve terms of endearment like this for my wife and women over 80. However, I also like the idea of making everyone I talk to uncomfortable.
Thus, I will now refer to everyone I speak to as “Cupcake.”
Caption: “We added an extra electrical outlet over here, Cupcake.”
Getting your tongue frozen to a flag pole is painful, but it’s nothing compared to getting your wet nipple frozen to a flag pole.
And if you don’t like the smell of singed haireola (hairy nipple), don’t even think of using a lighter to melt it off.
Lesson learned.
Below are pictures of five things that rhyme with “BUTT-FACE.” Can you identify what each one of them is?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Good luck! Answers will posted in the comments section tomorrow…