According to reports, the town of Dorchester, Wisconsin is powered largely by the manure produced at a large dairy farm just outside of town. With a complex machine that turns cow dung into electrical power, the town has a bank of truly renewable energy.
More interesting to me are the things you hear in a town powered by cow manure. Here are my three favorites:
- “I’d like to thank whoever just farted for slightly improving the smell in the air.”
- “Your breath smells like crap. Thus, I cannot smell it and am willing to make out with you.”
- “I can’t wait to get to Gary, Indiana, where I can finally breathe some fresh air.”
How to Pee on Your Cat
Step 1: Get an obnoxious cat that needs to constantly be by your side.
Step 2: In the middle of the night, stumble out of bed, half asleep, to use the toilet.
Step 3: Urinate indiscriminately.
Based on studies I’ve conducted in my home each of the last four nights, following these steps seems to give you about a 75% chance of peeing on your cat.
Apparently it’s considered creepy to show up stag to a Daddy-Daughter Dance.
And don’t even think of wearing assless chaps.
Lesson learned.
Someone at work quoted Aristotle yesterday: “We are what we repeatedly do.”
I believe that makes me primarily a mixture of pee and fart.
Gilbert Arenas has been suspended without pay indefinitely. Financially, this is a major blow, since he made nearly $150K a game.
To help him stave off poverty, I’ve come up with 5 ideas for temporary work that should tide him over until he is reinstated by the NBA. Based on his skill set, I believe he’d excel at any one of these jobs.
- Liaison Between NBA Players and Referees – Because he carries a gat, Arenas is uniquely capable of ensuring that referees call games fairly. If they don’t, Arenas could elect to use his guns to shoot them in the face.
- Professional Basketball Player that Shoots People – As far as I know, this position doesn’t exist in the U.S. I’m not as familiar with European basketball leagues, however. There may be an opportunity overseas.
- NBA Players Association Murder Consultant – Arenas can advise NBA players on how to use their guns to shoot people in the face.
- Giraffe Cowboy – While giraffes can run as fast or faster than horses, most gun-slinging cowboys don’t have enough athletic prowess to mount a giraffe, so they’ve been resigned to riding horses. Gilbert Arenas not only boasts gun skills, but also the speed and leaping ability to ride a giraffe.
- Hit Man for Very Tall People – Because he can jump extremely high, Gilbert Arenas might be one of the best-suited people in the world for shooting an 11 foot tall man in the face.