According to a report from his doctor, President Obama is in good health, with a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 23.7. Unfortunately, BMI is a severly flawed statistic, at least when being used independently to determine the health of an individual. Based on BMI ranges set by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Tom Cruise, Tom Brady, Brad Pitt, and Yao Ming are all overweight, while Mike Tyson, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and Sylvester Stallone are all obese.
Thus, BMI, as it is currently defined, is useless. So what do we do?
I propose that we change the meaning of BMI from “Body Mass Index” to “Bowel Movement Index.” Instead of using BMI to gauge how fat we are, we can use BMI as an indicator of how badly we have to poop.
Here is how it will work: Your BMI (Bowel Movement Index) will be an estimation of how long you can hold your dump before messing your drawers. The number before the decimal is hours, and the number after the decimal is minutes. Thus, if you have a BMI of 0.7 while you’re driving on the highway, you’d better start looking for a rest area. Conversely, if you have a BMI of 34.5, you can plan on relieving yourself somewhere in South Dakota.
There’s no reason for all of us to continue perpetuating a worthless stat — let’s make it something real.
I’m Johnny Tubesteak, and I have a BMI of 8.6. (Every morning, like clockwork.)
I’d estimate this guy’s BMI at about 0.2.
Step 1: Find a bag of chips that your wife has been hiding on you because you can’t be trusted with them.
Step 2: Take the bag of chips with you as you sit down on the couch and turn on the television.
Step 3: Mentally plan to eat a ridiculously small number of chips, like 3 or maybe 4.
Step 4: Put your hand inside the bag of chips and let muscle memory take over.
Step 5: About 15 minutes later, notice with incredulity that the bag of chips is half gone.
Step 6: Be genuinely disgusted with yourself, calling yourself names like “disgusting tub of lard” and “fat pile of crap.”
Step 7: Close the bag of chips and set it on the coffee table.
Step 8: After approximately 5 minutes, begin reasoning with yourself by choosing one or more of the following excuses: A) I really didn’t eat that much today. B) I’ve been pretty good about eating healthy lately. C) Life is really stressful right now. D) I coughed a few times today — and they always say that you should feed a cold.
Step 9: Reopen the bag of chips and insert your hand.
Step 10: About 15 minutes later, notice that all that is left in the bag are crumbs and broken pieces of chip.
Step 11: Lie to yourself and pretend that you are incredulous, even though you knew that this would happen as soon as you opened the bag of chips the second time.
Step 12: Restart the reasoning process with both of the following excuses: A) There is no point in putting a bag with only crumbs and broken pieces back into the cupboard. B) Once this bag is finished, I won’t have anything left to tempt me — all gluttonous desires should be forever eliminated.
Step 13: Pull every last crumb you can grab out of the bag and quickly shove them into your mouth.
Step 14: Pour the remaining, ungrabbable contents of the bag into your mouth and lick all chip residue off your fingers.
Step 15: Within the next 5 minutes, pass out as your digestive system steals all bodily energy in an attempt to begin processing the overwhelming task you unexpectedly assigned to it.
Step 16: Find yourself awakened in shame by your wife the next morning, with an empty bag by your side and small bits of chip strewn across the couch, attached to your clothes, and nestled within your facial hair.
Step 17: Tell yourself that you will never do this again, even though you know a statement like that lost all meaning years ago.
Step 18: The next time you are at the grocery store, purchase a bag of chips to prove to yourself that you can, in fact, eat only a few chips without devouring the entire bag.
Step 19: When you arrive home from the grocery store, notice that your wife has hidden the new bag of chips because you cannot be trusted with them.
Step 20: Repeat entire sequence.
Hong Kong Call Girl: “You’re Not Trying Hard Enough”
GM announced today that the sale of its Hummer brand to Chinese company Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machines Co., Ltd. fell through.
This leaves GM in a tough spot, but it also created a dilemma for me: I had two great double-entendre Hummer headlines, but I was unsure which one I should use as a headline in my blog post.
Ultimately, I went with the one you see above, but it narrowly beat out this one:
Sorry, World: No More Hummers
Married Men Everywhere: “What’s New?”
What do you think? Did I make the right choice? Are there any other headlines I should have considered?
With so much snowfall in Michigan this week, I’ve had to do a lot of shoveling in my driveway. With that in mind, I’ve assembled pictures of five things that rhyme with “Sore Back.” Take the Tubesteak Challenge and see if you can identify all of the images below. Good luck!
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
First person to post the correct answers in the comment section WINS my respect.
To see previous Tubesteak Challenges, click here.
A few days ago, a man was kicked off of a Jazz Air flight because he was deemed overwhelmingly smelly. Well, I think that’s a bunch of sweet-smelling crap.
It’s not legal to discriminate on the basis of race or age, and cultural progression is ensuring that there are fewer and fewer ways to discriminate against homosexuals. So why are we, as a people, okay with a bias against stinky people?
As a card carrying member of the Smellowship of American Liberties and a founding member of the Order of the Odor, I think that this stinks. And not in a good way. I’d be happy to join a class action suit, but I believe that we funky folk should fight back using our greatest strength: our collective stench.
With that in mind, I would like to declare Monday, March 15, “Stink Day.” I would like every friend of foulness to spend the weekend eating cabbage and not showering. Then on Monday, we fight back.
What do you say? Are you in?
There’s a remote possibility that I’m a sex addict but have never known it because I don’t have the means.
Other things that I may be unknowingly addicted to:
If your local community center offers adult karate classes, be warned: they’re called “Adult” karate classes because they are separate from the “Youth” karate classes, and not because they consist of naked people doing naughty karate.
Thus, showing up with clothes on is advisable on the first day of class.
Lesson learned.
If my date is extra gassy at a dinner party, I’m willing to be a gentleman by taking credit for every one of her farts.
Once she takes a dump in the host’s kitchen sink, however, she’s on her own.
In honor of Presidents Day, I’d like to celebrate the president of my fan club: Me.
I was just recently promoted from my role as parlimentarian.