Johnny Tubesteak's Periodically Updated Discourse

According to a report from his doctor, President Obama is in good health, with a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 23.7.  Unfortunately, BMI is a severly flawed statistic, at least when being used independently to determine the health of an individual.  Based on BMI ranges set by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Tom Cruise, Tom Brady, Brad Pitt, and Yao Ming are all overweight, while Mike Tyson, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and Sylvester Stallone are all obese.

Thus, BMI, as it is currently defined, is useless.  So what do we do?

I propose that we change the meaning of BMI from “Body Mass Index” to “Bowel Movement Index.”  Instead of using BMI to gauge how fat we are, we can use BMI as an indicator of how badly we have to poop.

Here is how it will work:  Your BMI (Bowel Movement Index) will be an estimation of how long you can hold your dump before messing your drawers.  The number before the decimal is hours, and the number after the decimal is minutes.  Thus, if you have a BMI of 0.7 while you’re driving on the highway, you’d better start looking for a rest area.  Conversely, if you have a BMI of 34.5, you can plan on relieving yourself somewhere in South Dakota.

There’s no reason for all of us to continue perpetuating a worthless stat — let’s make it something real.

I’m Johnny Tubesteak, and I have a BMI of 8.6.  (Every morning, like clockwork.)

I’d estimate this guy’s BMI at about 0.2.