Jesse James has decided to receive treatment after a gunshot wound to his chest in Clay County, Missouri nearly took his life in the summer of 1864.
I apologize for the untimeliness of this report.
As I was flexing my muscles in the mirror completely nude this morning, I noticed some white chunks in my armpit hair.
At first, I assumed it was just deodorant residue, but then I remembered that I don’t use deodorant. My next thought was pit dandruff, but I’ve been using Selsun Blue on my armpits, so that seemed unlikely. I then considered the possibility of armpit lice, but what is the chance, really, that my mustache lice were able to travel down to my armpits? Finally, I recalled spilling some cottage cheese and not having a rag or paper towel a few days ago. I’ll bet you that cleaning up spilled cottage cheese with my armpit hair is the reason I had white chunks under my arm this morning.
Mystery solved.
After eight seasons, Fox will end its hit show “24″ on May 24, according to sources.
When reached for comment, Jack Bauer said, “After 8 days of this crap, I’m really excited to take a poop.”
“192 hours, man. 192 hours. I’ve been turtle-heading since about halfway through Day 4.”
As promised in yesterday’s post, I wrote a song about Chris, the winner of the Poopy Movie Challenge. Behold the greatest prize ever offered for any contest:
The quality of your sound card may make it difficult to tell that this is one of the greatest songs ever recorded. Indeed, it’s already gotten me a few gigs. One guy heard me playing and suggested I play it for some deaf people, and another dude told me he’d like to hear me perform it at my funeral. I can’t wait.
We had some great responses to yesterday’s Poopy Movie Challenge. Some of the best, in my opinion, were:
- Scat on a Hot Tin Roof
- Fecal Attraction
- The Squirt Locker
- The Princess and the Log
- Revenge of the Turds
- How Stella Got Her Poop Back
- Stool of Rock
In the end, however, only one person can win the most coveted prize in the history of the world, a song written about them, by me. That prize goes to Chris for “Diarrhea of a Mad Black Woman.”
Watch johnnytubesteak.com this weekend, as I will be posting an excellent song about Chris.
I don’t feel like thinking today, so I will defer to my millions of readers. I’m looking for the best poopy movie titles of all time. The person with the best submission(s) will have a song written for them by me. That’s a priceless prize, so don’t screw this up.
To get you started, here are some of my own submissions:
- Close Encounters of the Turd Kind
- Midnight Runs
- Raging Bowel
- Bridget Jones’ Diarrhea
Leave your submisisons in the Comments section. Let the game begin…
I am the boss of my body.
When my stomach says, “We’re full,” I continue eating. When my bladder says, “It’s time to wake up,” I say, “Keep squeezing — I’m staying in bed for another hour.” And when my intestines tell me never to eat food that hot again, I immediately order more.
Yes, I am the boss of my body. I call the shots.
But when the employees revolt, it’s a big ole mess.
If a man comes to your front door asking if he can sniff your boxers, there’s a good chance that he doesn’t work for the Census Buereau.
Also, there is no such thing as Daily Census Follow-up Meetings.
Lesson learned.
When someone calls you a “douche bag,” it’s easy to automatically assume that the person is trying to be negative. But douche bags are very important, useful things. So it’s possible that the person is trying to tell you that he/she considers you both important and useful — a true compliment.
On another note, I would like to congratulate the winner of yesterday’s Tubesteak Challenge, Michael B.! As promised, I will include his name in this blog post!
MICHAEL B. IS A DOUCHE BAG.
(That’s a compliment. To see how important and useful Michael is, check out his blog, The Daily Bacon.)