Have you done something wrong and need an excuse? Are you trying to get out of an obligation? Have you ever wanted to kindly decline an invitation?
There is one magical phrase that can do all of these things, while also eliminating the possibility of having to explain yourself further:
“Explosive diarrhea.”
Boss: “Feldman! You’re 40 minutes late for work!”
Feldman: “Explosive diarrhea.”
Boss: “Oh. Sorry to hear that.”
And with that, the conversation is over. Feldman is in the clear, and he won’t be asked to get into any details.
Dad: “Josh, why isn’t the lawn mowed?”
Josh: “Explosive diarrhea.”
Dad: “Oh. Well, don’t worry about it. I can do it.”
Josh was supposed to mow the lawn. But by saying the magic words, he not only got away with not mowing the lawn; he also got his dad to do it for him.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Driver: “Explosive diarrhea.”
Cop: “Oh. Okay. Go as slow as you can, please.”
Conversation over. The driver pulls himself back on to the expressway, and probably even has a little more latitude with his speed for the next few miles.
Wife: “Honey, would you like to fool around?”
Husband: “Explosive diarrhea.”
Wife: “Oh. Well, maybe another time.”
And that ends the discussion. The man can go back to watching the baseball game, and yet hasn’t offended his wife.
I could go on and on, as the list of situations that can be diffused by simply uttering, “Explosive diarrhea” is endless. I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop here, however.
Explosive diarrhea…
