13 year old Jonathan Lee, who has gained minor celebrity by campaigning for various “green” causes throughout the world, has set his sights on a new villain: fast food restaurants. Lee, who developed the website GoGreenMan.com, wants fast food restaurants to start recycling, and he is prepared to cause a bit of a ruckus to get their attention.
Lee has been standing outside of a McDonald’s restaurant in his hometown of Ridgeland, Mississippi, holding a sign that says, “FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS RECYCLE PLEASE” and “We need It!” for three days now. He intends to demonstrate every day until April 22, which is Earth Day.
“This is my first day, and I’m a little nervous,” said Lee. “But it’s very important that fast food restaurants recycle.”
We should all be inspired by his dedication and vision. And it’s high time that we look for ways to contribute.
Personally, I will contribute to the fast food recycling cause as I always have. About four minutes after I eat any fast food, I will recycle the food. Then, with my hand on my butt, I will run around madly looking for some sort of recycling depository — preferably a toilet. If I don’t find a depository, or if one is not readily available because I’ve eaten the fast food while in a car, I will temporarily deposit the recycled food into my underpants. I will then curse fast food and swear to never again eat it. This vow will last until I’m somewhat hungry and within ten miles of a Taco Bell.
And the great cycle continues.
PORTLAND, ME — Dozens of women went topless on Saturday in a demonstration of women’s rights. Both residents and tourists in Portland, Maine were surprised by the march, which took place within city limits during the afternoon.
“Why do men get to whip off their shirts at any time, and nobody bats an eyelash?” asked one of the protesters, Cecil Corson (female). Other women at the demonstration shared Cecil’s sentiments, all hoping that the protest would help change the current cultural perception that it is only acceptable for a man to take his shirt off in public. According to these demonstrators, women should have the exact same rights as men when it comes to being comfortable outside of the home.
How effective were they in changing perceptions? The reporters at johnnytubesteak.com were onsite to collect comments from witnesses.
- Joe P., Portland resident: “Hey did you see all those boobs? That was awesome!”
- Harold F., Portland resident: “Ja-Ja-Ja-Jugs!!!”
- Sam D., Westbrook, ME: “I like boobs.”
- Thomas K., Hartford, CT: “Topless broads are great, but there were really only about five good boobs out there today. The two blonde twins’ [breasts] were great, and there was a chubbier brunette that had one nice one.”
Police on the scene said that although no permits were filed for the demonstration, the protest was peaceful and did not create any major problems. Added Officer Joseph Trudeau, “It always makes work more enjoyable when chicks start whipping out their funbags.”
According to a report from his doctor, President Obama is in good health, with a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 23.7. Unfortunately, BMI is a severly flawed statistic, at least when being used independently to determine the health of an individual. Based on BMI ranges set by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Tom Cruise, Tom Brady, Brad Pitt, and Yao Ming are all overweight, while Mike Tyson, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and Sylvester Stallone are all obese.
Thus, BMI, as it is currently defined, is useless. So what do we do?
I propose that we change the meaning of BMI from “Body Mass Index” to “Bowel Movement Index.” Instead of using BMI to gauge how fat we are, we can use BMI as an indicator of how badly we have to poop.
Here is how it will work: Your BMI (Bowel Movement Index) will be an estimation of how long you can hold your dump before messing your drawers. The number before the decimal is hours, and the number after the decimal is minutes. Thus, if you have a BMI of 0.7 while you’re driving on the highway, you’d better start looking for a rest area. Conversely, if you have a BMI of 34.5, you can plan on relieving yourself somewhere in South Dakota.
There’s no reason for all of us to continue perpetuating a worthless stat — let’s make it something real.
I’m Johnny Tubesteak, and I have a BMI of 8.6. (Every morning, like clockwork.)
I’d estimate this guy’s BMI at about 0.2.
Any person that works outside of the home knows that it’s impossible to avoid using public restrooms. Despite the fact that we’re all forced to use them, however, most people don’t feel comfortable doing so. With that in mind, I’ve compiled a short list of tips to make using public restrooms less awkward for you and the people in there with you.
1. Ease the Tension. You’re not the only one who finds the situation awkward, so take every opportunity you can find to ease the tension of everyone else in the restroom with you. Is the guy at the urinal dealing with stage-fright? Give him a quick back rub. Does he seem nervous about the size of his penis? Let him know right off the bat: “Sir, you have an adequately sized penis.” It’s a small amount of effort, but it will go a long way toward lightening the mood.
2. Make Some Conversation. There seems to be an unspoken rule about talking too much in a public restroom. But why? As humans, we are verbal creatures that thrive on communication with one another. So don’t be afraid to start talking. Need help getting started? Be observant about what’s going on around you. “Hey, You in the stall: it smells like you had a burrito for lunch. Have you tried that new taco place on Halsted Road?” Or to the guy at the urinal, “I noticed you wincing while you peed. Burning urine could be a sign of syphilis, you know…”
3. Be Helpful. True community is about helping each other, and a public restroom should be a reflection of that. If a guy is ready to wash his hands, get in there and help him lather up. Is there a chance that the toilet paper has run out in one of the occupied stalls? You’ll never know unless you peek your head under the stall to check.
4. Be Considerate. While your bathroom at home provides “alone” time, there is no such thing in a public restroom. Thus, you need to be considerate of other people’s wants and needs. Are you in the restroom with a germaphobe? Show him that you care–when you walk up to the sink, don’t just wash your hands; drop your pants and wash everything. Are you in the handicap stall when a handicapped person enters the restroom? Be considerate, and get out of there as fast as possible. Don’t waste time pulling up your pants or wiping; just get to the next available stall as soon as possible.
Public restrooms are rarely a good time. I think you’ll find, however, that they are a whole lot less awkward when you follow these simple tips.