Apparently it’s not appropriate to stand up and yell, “Hey, pussy! Why don’t you cry about it?” when the father of the bride sheds a tear at a wedding.
And, from my experience, this rule goes double for funerals.
Lesson learned.
Even if the arrogant bastard acts like he’s the best bowler in the world after he beats you by 27 pins, it’s inappropriate to start a fist fight with a 6-year-old at a charity bowling event, I’m told.
Lesson learned.
If you’re over 30, and your tooth was knocked out in a bar fight, don’t bother putting it under your pillow; the Tooth Fairy will probably not be coming. Apparently the cachet of losing a tooth is pretty much gone after age 10.
Oh – and don’t leave a letter for the Tooth Fairy, promising to spend all of your tooth money on her if she’ll kindly wake you up. There’s a good chance that will piss off your wife.
Lesson learned.
If a man comes to your front door asking if he can sniff your boxers, there’s a good chance that he doesn’t work for the Census Buereau.
Also, there is no such thing as Daily Census Follow-up Meetings.
Lesson learned.
When someone calls you a “douche bag,” it’s easy to automatically assume that the person is trying to be negative. But douche bags are very important, useful things. So it’s possible that the person is trying to tell you that he/she considers you both important and useful — a true compliment.
On another note, I would like to congratulate the winner of yesterday’s Tubesteak Challenge, Michael B.! As promised, I will include his name in this blog post!
MICHAEL B. IS A DOUCHE BAG.
(That’s a compliment. To see how important and useful Michael is, check out his blog, The Daily Bacon.)
Most people prefer a hairy coworker to a coworker that waxes various body parts at work.
And if you like your job, you’re better off embracing that hairy butt crack.
Lesson learned.
If your local community center offers adult karate classes, be warned: they’re called “Adult” karate classes because they are separate from the “Youth” karate classes, and not because they consist of naked people doing naughty karate.
Thus, showing up with clothes on is advisable on the first day of class.
Lesson learned.
It turns out that there are major differences between The Clap and The Clapper.
Thus, when your great aunt tells you that she has The Clapper, it may be inappropriate to call her a skanky ho.
Lesson Learned.
I guess it doesn’t matter how much you like your neighbor’s ottoman; if you stand outside of their living room window staring at it for even 53 minutes, there’s a good chance they’ll call the cops.
And don’t even think of admiring their bathroom sink. Apparently that’s considered “lewd.”
Lesson learned.
Getting your tongue frozen to a flag pole is painful, but it’s nothing compared to getting your wet nipple frozen to a flag pole.
And if you don’t like the smell of singed haireola (hairy nipple), don’t even think of using a lighter to melt it off.
Lesson learned.