ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Senior U.S. District Judge Jack Camp Jr. has been charged with possession of cocaine, marijuana, and roxicodone, in addition to charges of possessing a firearm as an unlawful user of controlled susbtances and aiding and abetting the posession of drugs by a stripper whom he had been paying for sex for nearly half a year, according to a CNN report.
I wonder at what he point he realized that things were beginning to go south. I also wonder how the initial conversation with his wife went…
Mrs. Camp: “Hi, Honey!”
Mrs. Camp: “Anything exciting happen at work today?”
Mrs. Camp: “You weren’t buying drugs, were you?”
Mrs. Camp: “Well, I suppose I should be happy that you weren’t carrying a gun while doing it.”
Mrs. Camp: “Well, at least you weren’t buying the drugs for a stripper whom you’ve been paying for sex.”
Mrs. Camp: “Well, at the very, very least, I can take comfort in the fact that you didn’t have the stripper killed to cover this up.”
Three weeks ago, my boss gave me a big project – a project that required me to work extra hours at home. It was really no problem for me, because, after years in the workplace, and before that, years in school, I’ve become pretty good at getting big projects done.
Now, having accrued such fame as a blogger, I feel that it’s my doody to share the wisdom that helped get me where I am today. Therefore, as a service to my readers, I will now share the tried-and-true timeline to which I strictly adhere every time I have a major assignment.
Day 1: Get the assignment. My boss calls me into his office. “Tubesteak! I’ve got a big project for you, and I’m going to need to have it completed in 21 days!” “Yes, sir, Mr. Henderson!”
Alright. I’ve got my assignment, now it’s time to get cracking. I’ve already been planning on watching the Mama’s Family marathon on the Ion Network tonight, though, so I’ll have to start tomorrow.
Day 2: Get an early start. The last thing I want is to pull an all-nighter the night before the project is due, so I sit down to work on the project as soon as I can. If I bust my hump early on, I can have this project completed in the next 3 days, and then I can spend the remaining 17 days relaxing.
While I don’t get anything substantial completed on Day 2, I get a lot of the preparation and groundwork completed: I get a desk set up in a quiet place, I fill a mini-fridge up with pop so that I can access it easily while working, and I get a TV set up so that I can see it from my desk. After all, I need this to be a relaxing environment if I want to be productive.
Day 3: Mental block. I have great intentions on Day 3, but, unfortunately, the mental juice just isn’t flowing. You can’t force genius. Plus, I got started later than I wanted because some dude at the liquor store was really talkative.
Days 4 and 5: Drunk. I probably bought too much liquor at the liquor store. But, it’s been a long week, and I deserve to spend a couple of days having fun. Besides, the project isn’t due for 16 more days, so I’ve got plenty of time.
Day 6: Time to get serious. By Day 6, I’ve spent enough time prepping and getting in some badly needed fun. Now it’s time to get serious about the assignment. Yes, I now want to focus myself completely on the assignment. It’s all about the assignment. A-S-S-I-G-N-M-E-N-T… Hey, did you ever notice that the word “assignment” is almost spelled the same as “assing-men”? That’s a pretty gay word. Assignment. That’s funny.
Day 7: I will not be distracted by such stupid things tonight. Tonight I will focus, and make some serious prog…Wow! Another Mama’s Family marathon? How can I work with that crazy Vinton all over my TV screen? Did he ever win an Emmy for this? Luckily, I’ve got this computer here so that I can look up the answers to such questions.
Days 8 through 19: Oh, let’s not kid ourselves. It turns out that Mama’s Family is on every night. And it’s even funnier when you’re drunk. Why didn’t this show ever gain any popularity? That Bubba is a hoot!
Day 20, 7:00pm: The project is due tomorrow; tonight I must focus. I have to get to work on this assignment. Aargh! But I really don’t want to. I’m tired, it’s been a long day, and my head kind of hurts.
You know what? It’s not like I’m in love with this job. I should just stop going to work beginning tomorrow — I can start looking for a job that I really love. Everyone should have a job that he/she really loves. Really, I’m doing myself and the company a disservice by showing up to this job every day.
Wait a minute… Wait a minute. Looking for a new job sucks, and I need money to pay my cable bill (or risk losing Mama’s Family). I can’t quit my job. I’m going to have to get this project done.
Day 20, 11:00pm: The project is due in 10 hours, and I haven’t even started it. Alright, let’s think this through – I originally thought the project would take 3 days, but I bet I could whip out a satisfactory version in 4 hours. So, if I go to bed now, I can get 6 hours of sleep and still have time to complete the project in the morning.
Day 21, 5:00am: Alarm goes off. What?!? How can it already be 5:00am? I just went to bed. Okay, let’s think this through — last night I said I thought the project would take 4 hours, but I bet I can finish it in 2 hours. I’ll go back to sleep, and set my alarm for 7:00am; I’ll be much more productive after 8 hours of sleep anyway.
Day 21, 7:00am: Alright, it’s time to get up. I’m glad I got a full night’s sleep. A full night’s sleep is important when you’re trying to finish a big project like this. In my opinion, it’s just as important as a complete breakfast. In fact, if I want to get this project done quickly, I’d better make myself some breakfast.
Day 21, 8:50am: Driving to work. I can’t believe I haven’t even started this project. How am I going to explain this?
Oh, wouldn’t it be great if I got into an accident right now. Not a big accident, where people die, but just a big enough accident to keep me in the hospital for a few days. That would be awesome. Somebody hit my car, please. There must be a drunk driver out there or someone that likes to text their friends while behind the wheel. Please hit me.
Day 21, 9:00am: In the office when the boss walks by. “Good morning, Mr. Henderson.”
“Tubesteak! Did you complete that project that I asked you to finish?”
Okay… think! Come up with something good…
“Well, sir, I’m just finishing it up. When you said that you wanted it completed by today, I assumed that you wanted it done by the end of the day, which, technically, is at 11:59pm.”
“Alright, I should have specified. Get as much of it as possible to me as soon as you can.”
Day 21, 9:15am to 11:59pm: Actual work. It’s amazing how much you can accomplish when you put forth 65% effort.
After more than 14 hours of work, the project is done — not done well, but done well enough that my boss won’t waste his time asking me to do it better. And, after 21 days, I can finally relax.
And that, my friends, is how you get a project done.
The next time, then, that you have a major, upcoming project, there is no need to fret. With knowledge of my tried-and-true project timeline, there is no task that you cannot complete at a nearly satisfactory level.
Have you done something wrong and need an excuse? Are you trying to get out of an obligation? Have you ever wanted to kindly decline an invitation?
There is one magical phrase that can do all of these things, while also eliminating the possibility of having to explain yourself further:
“Explosive diarrhea.”
Boss: “Feldman! You’re 40 minutes late for work!”
Feldman: “Explosive diarrhea.”
Boss: “Oh. Sorry to hear that.”
And with that, the conversation is over. Feldman is in the clear, and he won’t be asked to get into any details.
Dad: “Josh, why isn’t the lawn mowed?”
Josh: “Explosive diarrhea.”
Dad: “Oh. Well, don’t worry about it. I can do it.”
Josh was supposed to mow the lawn. But by saying the magic words, he not only got away with not mowing the lawn; he also got his dad to do it for him.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Driver: “Explosive diarrhea.”
Cop: “Oh. Okay. Go as slow as you can, please.”
Conversation over. The driver pulls himself back on to the expressway, and probably even has a little more latitude with his speed for the next few miles.
Wife: “Honey, would you like to fool around?”
Husband: “Explosive diarrhea.”
Wife: “Oh. Well, maybe another time.”
And that ends the discussion. The man can go back to watching the baseball game, and yet hasn’t offended his wife.
I could go on and on, as the list of situations that can be diffused by simply uttering, “Explosive diarrhea” is endless. I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop here, however.
Explosive diarrhea…
I bet you that folks that work in the adult entertainment industry get in trouble for not looking at internet porn while they’re in the office.
They probably get in trouble for building too many Excel spreadsheets.
I am the boss of my body.
When my stomach says, “We’re full,” I continue eating. When my bladder says, “It’s time to wake up,” I say, “Keep squeezing — I’m staying in bed for another hour.” And when my intestines tell me never to eat food that hot again, I immediately order more.
Yes, I am the boss of my body. I call the shots.
But when the employees revolt, it’s a big ole mess.
I was at the grocery store tonight, and the checkout girl, who was no more than 25, called me “Dear.” I generally like to reserve terms of endearment like this for my wife and women over 80. However, I also like the idea of making everyone I talk to uncomfortable.
Thus, I will now refer to everyone I speak to as “Cupcake.”
Caption: “We added an extra electrical outlet over here, Cupcake.”