The other day, however, I accidentally opened this one from a reader named Albert.  I was truly moved, and it made me realize that I owe it to humanity to help those who are less fortunate than I.

Dear Mr. Tubesteak,

I am 28 years old, but have never had a girlfriend.  I believe it’s because I’m not sexy enough.  You really seem to have “sexy” figured out.  Do you have any advice for a lonely guy like me?

Sincerely,

Albert H.

Well, Albert, “sexy” comes naturally to very few of us (but, obviously, to me).  There is hope, though:  even those folks that don’t have the natural gift (I do) can achieve sexy.  The keys are attention to detail and adaptability — “sexy” varies depending on the situation.

Following is a little guide that should unleash the sexy beast inside of you.  Be warned, however:  once that beast has had a taste of the wild, he’s awfully hard to tame.

How to Achieve Sexy

A Pictorial Guide

Step 1:

Begin with a full beard, and try to look as terrible as possible.  That way, you’ll have no place to go but up.  Tip:  a little bit of drool hanging from your lip goes a long way.

If you’re going to a party full of cage-fighters and street brawlers, you can stop after Step 1.  You have achieved sexy.

Step 2:

Shave just enough of your beard to leave some long chops and a vandyke (mustache plus goatee).  Then think about something that really pisses you off, like how difficult the government has made it to purchase automatic weapons.

If you’re heading off to a meeting for your local militia or violent hate group, you can stop after Step 2.  You have achieved sexy.

Step 3:

Shave the hair off your chin, but leave everything else.  Then drink a six-pack of Schlitz, Blatz, or any beer that ends with the letters “tz.”

If your plans for the evening include a ‘possum roast at your cousin’s trailer, you can stop after Step 3.  You have achieved sexy.

Step 4:

Shorten the mustache and the chops.  Then find a cowboy hat and go rope a few steer.

If your night’s agenda consists of a gay hoedown and/or Brokeback Mountain viewing party, you can stop after Step 4.  You have achieved sexy.

Step 5:

Further shorten your mustache and remove the patch of hair below your bottom lip.  Then go wash your white, window-less van.

If you’re on your way to meet some fellow kidnappers, predators, or stalkers for a drink at the bar, you can stop after Step 5.  You have achieved sexy.

Step 6:

Remove all sideburns and trim your mustache down to a clearly defined trapezoid that sits completely above your mouth.  Then take a few minutes to consider how much you like busting perps and ID-ing DOAs.

If you’re headed to the Policemen’s Ball later, you can stop after Step 6.  You have achieved sexy.

Step 7:

Finally, put on one of your light-colored tuxedoes, pour some beer into a wine glass, stand in front of a bookcase, and furrow your brow.

It doesn’t matter where you’re going now, as you have achieved sexy on a transcendent level.  Sexy enough to end a couple’s happy marriage just by saying hello.  Sexy enough to trigger envy-induced suicides by previously self-confident men.  Sexy enough to impregnate women merely by looking at them too long.

With great power comes great responsibility.  Albert’s letter, however, made me realize that it’s unfair of me to keep the secrets of sexy to myself.  Thus, I have now shared both the power and the responsibility with all of you.

Now, very carefully, go forth and be sexy.

Luckily, I’ve been able to fart nearly constantly to cover up that embarrassing girly smell.