Johnny Tubesteak's Periodically Updated Discourse

My grandma used to tell me that if I didn’t finish my dinner, I’d get so skinny that I would fall inside-out through my a**hole and hang myself.

Not medically possible, I’ve since found out, and probably the reason I overeat today, but it’s still one of my favorite lines.

To me, the perfect bowel movement is one that requires no wiping.

I don’t have the confidence, however, to evacuate my bowels without wiping — at least once — to confirm that everything is clean.

Thus, every time I sit down on the toilet, I’m setting myself up for failure.

How terribly, terribly sad.

I went in for my annual physical yesterday, and the doctor said I was fat and out of shape.  Because I hadn’t realized it myself, I asked my doctor how he made his diagnosis so quickly.  He said that there were five signs that tipped him off almost immediately.  As a service to my millions of readers, I will now share them with you.

Five Signs that You Are Fat and Out of Shape

1.  You wear holsters everywhere you go — one side holds a bottle of ranch, and the other side holds a bottle of chocolate syrup.  The doctor explained to me that most skinny people don’t wear holsters at all unless they’re cops or cowboys.  “Where do they keep their bottles of ranch and chocolate syrup?” I asked.  He paused for a moment, and then said, “Man, you’re fat.”

2.  You can’t find shirts that fit, so you’ve begun wearing a Snuggie instead.  This is also not common, according to my doctor.  I told to him that I like the sexy look of an open back, but he explained to me that hairy back rolls aren’t really all that sexy anyway.

3.  You get winded just reading a limerick.  My doctor likes to begin every physical with the reading of a limerick.  Since I wrote a limerick for last week’s Tubesteak Challenge winner, Lisa M., I thought it was appropriate to read that one:

Of course, the millions of Tubesteakers (the cool new name for readers of Johnny Tubesteak’s Daily Discourse) do give a sh*t, so congratulations, Lisa!

4.  You get dieting advice from this guy:

He happened to be in the waiting room with me and thought he could offer some tips.

5.  You brought a 36 inch sub with you in case the physical took more than 20 minutes.  Extremely uncommon, according to my doctor.  In fact, he said, most people don’t bring sandwiches at all.  I explained to him that if I didn’t keep food in my system to soak up the beer I was drinking, there was a good chance I’d find myself drunk at the doctor’s office, which is always embarrassing.

Whether you realize that you’re overweight or not, I hope you find these tips helpful.  Together, we can fight obesity.

As I was flexing my muscles in the mirror completely nude this morning, I noticed some white chunks in my armpit hair.

At first, I assumed it was just deodorant residue, but then I remembered that I don’t use deodorant.  My next thought was pit dandruff, but I’ve been using Selsun Blue on my armpits, so that seemed unlikely.  I then considered the possibility of armpit lice, but what is the chance, really, that my mustache lice were able to travel down to my armpits?  Finally, I recalled spilling some cottage cheese and not having a rag or paper towel a few days ago.  I’ll bet you that cleaning up spilled cottage cheese with my armpit hair is the reason I had white chunks under my arm this morning.

Mystery solved.

According to a report from his doctor, President Obama is in good health, with a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 23.7.  Unfortunately, BMI is a severly flawed statistic, at least when being used independently to determine the health of an individual.  Based on BMI ranges set by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Tom Cruise, Tom Brady, Brad Pitt, and Yao Ming are all overweight, while Mike Tyson, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and Sylvester Stallone are all obese.

Thus, BMI, as it is currently defined, is useless.  So what do we do?

I propose that we change the meaning of BMI from “Body Mass Index” to “Bowel Movement Index.”  Instead of using BMI to gauge how fat we are, we can use BMI as an indicator of how badly we have to poop.

Here is how it will work:  Your BMI (Bowel Movement Index) will be an estimation of how long you can hold your dump before messing your drawers.  The number before the decimal is hours, and the number after the decimal is minutes.  Thus, if you have a BMI of 0.7 while you’re driving on the highway, you’d better start looking for a rest area.  Conversely, if you have a BMI of 34.5, you can plan on relieving yourself somewhere in South Dakota.

There’s no reason for all of us to continue perpetuating a worthless stat — let’s make it something real.

I’m Johnny Tubesteak, and I have a BMI of 8.6.  (Every morning, like clockwork.)

I’d estimate this guy’s BMI at about 0.2.

There’s a remote possibility that I’m a sex addict but have never known it because I don’t have the means.

Other things that I may be unknowingly addicted to:

1. Money
2. Power
3. Respect
4. Digestive Regularity