To me, the perfect bowel movement is one that requires no wiping.
I don’t have the confidence, however, to evacuate my bowels without wiping — at least once — to confirm that everything is clean.
Thus, every time I sit down on the toilet, I’m setting myself up for failure.
How terribly, terribly sad.
How would you rate Jessica Alba on a 10-point scale?
Almost immediately after the base 10 numeral system was developed by Indians in the 9th century B.C., dudes began rating chicks on a 10-point scale. Since then, countries and religions have come and gone, but the 10-point scale has proudly remained. For the shallow man trying to communicate the hotness of a woman to his friends, it is truly an invaluable tool.
Like any tool, however, the 10-point scale is often misused. While the majority of dudes use it correctly, there are a few abusers out there that can make you wonder if it even makes sense to continue assigning chicks numbers based on how hot they are.
Below I’ve listed what I believe to be the five worst abusers. Major, major shame on you if one of these descriptions hits close to home.
1. The Bipolar Rater.
Some Dude: “What would you rate Jessica Alba?”
Bipolar Rater: “Definitely a 10!”
Some Dude: “How about Jessica Biel?”
Bipolar Rater: “Ugh. She’s a 1.”
As a Bipolar Rater, you rate every chick either a 1 or a 10. There are no shades of grey with the Bipolar Rater; we may as well be asking you a “yes or no” question. A Bipolar Rater can see two chicks of fairly similar hotness, and he’ll give one of them a 10 and the other one a 1.
You are a disgrace, and will remain so unless we someday devolve into a society that rates chicks on a 2-point system.
2. The Overthinker.
Overthinker: “Lindsay Lohan would be a 9.6, but I have to deduct 1.2 points because her eyes aren’t blue. The presence of freckles, however, increases her score by .6 points, and her red hair, while not a full 1-point shade of red, is attractive enough to earn her an additional half of a point.”
If you are an Overthinker, you can’t just assign a rating; you need to first engage in a thorough analysis. While we appreciate that you want to be fair, your analysis is so complete that’s it’s almost not even shallow anymore, which is the entire point of the chick rating exercise. And you have definitely crossed the line over into creepy.
3. The Dude Whose Opinion Can’t Be Constrained to 10 Digits.
Some Dude: “On a 10-point scale, how would you rate Megan Fox?”
Can’t Be Constrained: “Dude, she’s like a 12!”
Okay. I understand that you think Megan Fox is really hot, but we just established that we’re working with a 10-point scale. 10, then, is the maximum score. Thus, assigning her a 12 doesn’t mean that she’s extra hot, it just means that you’re extra stupid.
4. The Stingy Rater.
Some Dude: “What do you think of Scarlett Johansson?”
The Stingy Rater: “Dude, she’s a 6!”
Some Dude: “What are you talking about? She’s one of the hottest girls in the world!”
The Stingy Rater: “I know — that’s why I gave her a 6!”
If you’re a Stingy Rater, you’ve never rated a chick higher than a 6 or 7. It’s not because you don’t think any chicks are really hot; it’s because you’re reserving the higher numbers for some extremely hot chicks that neither you nor anyone on Earth has met or heard of yet.
Sure, we all think you’re an idiot now, but who will be laughing when NASA discovers a planet full of amazingly hot chicks and the rest of us dudes have to reassess all of our previous rankings?
5. The Dude that Takes Personality into Account.
Some Dude: “Did you see that chick? She’s got to be a 9 or a 10!”
Personality Guy: “No — I used to work with her, and she’s a bitch. I’d say she’s a 3, at best.”
When you start taking personality into account, you’re really missing the point of the rating system. We’re not scoring personalities here, so don’t let them cloud your judgement — a chick can be hot and be a terrible person.
You disrespect the 10-point scale by using it to measure how marry-able a girl is. Rather, you should embrace the scale for what it is: a measure of superficialities. Using it for anything else is crime against all men.
I am the boss of my body.
When my stomach says, “We’re full,” I continue eating. When my bladder says, “It’s time to wake up,” I say, “Keep squeezing — I’m staying in bed for another hour.” And when my intestines tell me never to eat food that hot again, I immediately order more.
Yes, I am the boss of my body. I call the shots.
But when the employees revolt, it’s a big ole mess.
I was having trouble coming up with a blog post when this ocurred to me: Writer’s block is like constipation of the brain. Sometimes it’s impossible to squeeze something out, no matter how hard you push.
Fear not, World; I’ll down a spoonful of Mental Metamucil so that I can continue pooping inspiration on you.
Tomorrow, I present another Tubesteak Challenge.
Hong Kong Call Girl: “You’re Not Trying Hard Enough”
GM announced today that the sale of its Hummer brand to Chinese company Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machines Co., Ltd. fell through.
This leaves GM in a tough spot, but it also created a dilemma for me: I had two great double-entendre Hummer headlines, but I was unsure which one I should use as a headline in my blog post.
Ultimately, I went with the one you see above, but it narrowly beat out this one:
Sorry, World: No More Hummers
Married Men Everywhere: “What’s New?”
What do you think? Did I make the right choice? Are there any other headlines I should have considered?
In honor of Presidents Day, I’d like to celebrate the president of my fan club: Me.
I was just recently promoted from my role as parlimentarian.
For those not familiar with how the interweb works: Every so often, web crawlers are sent out to take an inventory of what is currently on the web. These are generally used by search engines to ensure that the results they’re returning when someone searches are fairly up to date.
I can tell when johnnytubesteak.com has been crawled, as I suddenly get tons of comments in other languages. Wordpress offers plugins that will stop the blog from getting spammed with sales messages from other countries, but with the blog still in its infancy, I treasure every reader/commentor I get–even the spammers.
Thus, I will neither translate nor delete the 13 Russian comments that were made in reaction to my “Cow Poop Powers Small Town” post. I could be cynical and assume they’re all spam, but I prefer to think that Russia thinks Johnny Tubesteak is the funniest thing since Yakov Smirnoff.
