I went in for my annual physical yesterday, and the doctor said I was fat and out of shape. Because I hadn’t realized it myself, I asked my doctor how he made his diagnosis so quickly. He said that there were five signs that tipped him off almost immediately. As a service to my millions of readers, I will now share them with you.
Five Signs that You Are Fat and Out of Shape
1. You wear holsters everywhere you go — one side holds a bottle of ranch, and the other side holds a bottle of chocolate syrup. The doctor explained to me that most skinny people don’t wear holsters at all unless they’re cops or cowboys. “Where do they keep their bottles of ranch and chocolate syrup?” I asked. He paused for a moment, and then said, “Man, you’re fat.”
2. You can’t find shirts that fit, so you’ve begun wearing a Snuggie instead. This is also not common, according to my doctor. I told to him that I like the sexy look of an open back, but he explained to me that hairy back rolls aren’t really all that sexy anyway.
3. You get winded just reading a limerick. My doctor likes to begin every physical with the reading of a limerick. Since I wrote a limerick for last week’s Tubesteak Challenge winner, Lisa M., I thought it was appropriate to read that one:
Lisa was first to submit Her answers, including “Brad Pitt.” With friends, out at dinner, She said, “I’m the winner!” And found no one else gave half a sh*t.
Of course, the millions of Tubesteakers (the cool new name for readers of Johnny Tubesteak’s Daily Discourse) do give a sh*t, so congratulations, Lisa!
4. You get dieting advice from this guy:
He happened to be in the waiting room with me and thought he could offer some tips.
5. You brought a 36 inch sub with you in case the physical took more than 20 minutes. Extremely uncommon, according to my doctor. In fact, he said, most people don’t bring sandwiches at all. I explained to him that if I didn’t keep food in my system to soak up the beer I was drinking, there was a good chance I’d find myself drunk at the doctor’s office, which is always embarrassing.
Whether you realize that you’re overweight or not, I hope you find these tips helpful. Together, we can fight obesity.
I don’t feel like thinking today, so I will defer to my millions of readers. I’m looking for the best poopy movie titles of all time. The person with the best submission(s) will have a song written for them by me. That’s a priceless prize, so don’t screw this up.
To get you started, here are some of my own submissions:
- Close Encounters of the Turd Kind
- Midnight Runs
- Raging Bowel
- Bridget Jones’ Diarrhea
Leave your submisisons in the Comments section. Let the game begin…
I don’t have a lot of friends, so if I want to play a practical joke on someone, I usually have to play it on myself.
Here’s one of my favorites: If I know I have a big meeting at work the next day, sometimes I’ll eat a whole can of beans just before I go to bed. Then the next day, when I’m standing up in front of everybody at the big meeting, the hilarity ensues. I’m in constant pain the entire meeting as I try to avoid an embarrassing blowout in my pants. I hate that. It’s hilarious.
Tubesteak Challenge tomorrow. Be there, or be a square.
A few days ago, a man was kicked off of a Jazz Air flight because he was deemed overwhelmingly smelly. Well, I think that’s a bunch of sweet-smelling crap.
It’s not legal to discriminate on the basis of race or age, and cultural progression is ensuring that there are fewer and fewer ways to discriminate against homosexuals. So why are we, as a people, okay with a bias against stinky people?
As a card carrying member of the Smellowship of American Liberties and a founding member of the Order of the Odor, I think that this stinks. And not in a good way. I’d be happy to join a class action suit, but I believe that we funky folk should fight back using our greatest strength: our collective stench.
With that in mind, I would like to declare Monday, March 15, “Stink Day.” I would like every friend of foulness to spend the weekend eating cabbage and not showering. Then on Monday, we fight back.
What do you say? Are you in?