The next time an overbearing neighbor hounds you to keep your lawn mowed, get out and mow your lawn wearing nothing but a thong.
That will shut him up for a while.
If, at the completion of my business, there is even a square of toilet paper left on the roll, I am absolved of all roll replacement responsibilities.
It’s hard to say if one square will be sufficent for the next user. It is also not my problem.
Even if the arrogant bastard acts like he’s the best bowler in the world after he beats you by 27 pins, it’s inappropriate to start a fist fight with a 6-year-old at a charity bowling event, I’m told.
Lesson learned.
According to an investigation recently reported by CNN, many Security and Exchange Commission staffers spent their workdays viewing and downloading porn as the country sank into its deepest financial recession in more than 70 years. One employee had over 600 pornographic images saved to her hard drive, and another high ranking official admitted to spending 8 hours a day downloading porn, saving the files to CDs and DVDs after his hard drive had reached full capacity.
Investigators first suspected there might be a problem when reports issued by the SEC more frequently included the words “sucks” and “blows” to describe the state of the U.S. financial system.
The real tipping point, said one member of the inspector general’s office, was when a brief statement issued by the SEC included the following statements:
1) “The U.S. economy no longer has the stamina to satisfy the entire country.”
2) “With our financial system now a shell of its former self, maintaining viability only through the reputation it built years ago, America has become the Ron Jeremy of world economic powers.”
3) “While we have further detail on this economic meltdown, we will not be sharing it until some college girls show us their boobs.”
Attempts were made to contact an SEC official for comments, but his secretary said he had been locked in his office all day and did not want to be interrupted.
I went in for my annual physical yesterday, and the doctor said I was fat and out of shape. Because I hadn’t realized it myself, I asked my doctor how he made his diagnosis so quickly. He said that there were five signs that tipped him off almost immediately. As a service to my millions of readers, I will now share them with you.
Five Signs that You Are Fat and Out of Shape
1. You wear holsters everywhere you go — one side holds a bottle of ranch, and the other side holds a bottle of chocolate syrup. The doctor explained to me that most skinny people don’t wear holsters at all unless they’re cops or cowboys. “Where do they keep their bottles of ranch and chocolate syrup?” I asked. He paused for a moment, and then said, “Man, you’re fat.”
2. You can’t find shirts that fit, so you’ve begun wearing a Snuggie instead. This is also not common, according to my doctor. I told to him that I like the sexy look of an open back, but he explained to me that hairy back rolls aren’t really all that sexy anyway.
3. You get winded just reading a limerick. My doctor likes to begin every physical with the reading of a limerick. Since I wrote a limerick for last week’s Tubesteak Challenge winner, Lisa M., I thought it was appropriate to read that one:
Lisa was first to submit Her answers, including “Brad Pitt.” With friends, out at dinner, She said, “I’m the winner!” And found no one else gave half a sh*t.
Of course, the millions of Tubesteakers (the cool new name for readers of Johnny Tubesteak’s Daily Discourse) do give a sh*t, so congratulations, Lisa!
4. You get dieting advice from this guy:
He happened to be in the waiting room with me and thought he could offer some tips.
5. You brought a 36 inch sub with you in case the physical took more than 20 minutes. Extremely uncommon, according to my doctor. In fact, he said, most people don’t bring sandwiches at all. I explained to him that if I didn’t keep food in my system to soak up the beer I was drinking, there was a good chance I’d find myself drunk at the doctor’s office, which is always embarrassing.
Whether you realize that you’re overweight or not, I hope you find these tips helpful. Together, we can fight obesity.
13 year old Jonathan Lee, who has gained minor celebrity by campaigning for various “green” causes throughout the world, has set his sights on a new villain: fast food restaurants. Lee, who developed the website GoGreenMan.com, wants fast food restaurants to start recycling, and he is prepared to cause a bit of a ruckus to get their attention.
Lee has been standing outside of a McDonald’s restaurant in his hometown of Ridgeland, Mississippi, holding a sign that says, “FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS RECYCLE PLEASE” and “We need It!” for three days now. He intends to demonstrate every day until April 22, which is Earth Day.
“This is my first day, and I’m a little nervous,” said Lee. “But it’s very important that fast food restaurants recycle.”
We should all be inspired by his dedication and vision. And it’s high time that we look for ways to contribute.
Personally, I will contribute to the fast food recycling cause as I always have. About four minutes after I eat any fast food, I will recycle the food. Then, with my hand on my butt, I will run around madly looking for some sort of recycling depository — preferably a toilet. If I don’t find a depository, or if one is not readily available because I’ve eaten the fast food while in a car, I will temporarily deposit the recycled food into my underpants. I will then curse fast food and swear to never again eat it. This vow will last until I’m somewhat hungry and within ten miles of a Taco Bell.
And the great cycle continues.
You, also, would sleep with the lights on if you watched an episode of Paranormal State before bed and then had to spend the night listening to raccoons mating on the roof of your house.
On a separate note, congratulations to Lisa M. for winning last week’s Tubesteak Challenge! Lisa wins a limerick, which I will post on the blog as soon as I find a leprechaun to help me write it.
Below are pictures of five things that rhyme with the name of a famous actor. Identify each of the pictures and the name of the famous actor to WIN a limerick written by me, about you! Wow!
The first person to email the correct answers to jt@johnnytubesteak.com is the winner. If no one gets them all correct, the person with the most correct answers will win.
Good luck!
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I’ll post the answers in the comments section in a day or two.
In England to promote MAC’s Viva Glam Campaign to fight AIDS, Lady Gaga recently spoke up in favor of celibacy.
“It’s okay not to have sex, it’s okay to get to know people. I’m celibate, celibacy is fine,” said the pop icon. She later added, “It’s not really cool anymore to have sex all the time.”
According to The Frisky, Lady Gaga is just one of many celebrities that have, in recent years, claimed abstinence. The list includes many big names, including Adriana Lima, Robert Pattinson, Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and the Jonas Brothers.
Other celebrities have also been heard promoting chastity. In a 2009 interview, Jamie Foxx talked at length about the benefits of abstaining from sex, saying that “abstinence is cool.”
The trend continues to gain steam, and it definitely appears that there is a certain “cool factor” associated with not having sex.
In a related story, I would like to introduce you to the coolest man alive:
It’s been said that there is no greater pain than having your heart broken.
I bet that getting hit in the balls with a sledgehammer while someone paper-cuts your eyeball is right up there, though.
